reconnection and Self discovery
The Love and Light
by Gabriella Joy Donaldson
I walked along the slick asphalt towards class, the air was heavy with the previous night’s chill and that morning’s discomfort. My clothes didn’t feel right, my curls were wet, my sock was sliding off, and there was no sun. There hadn't been sun for three days, which having moved half-way across the country from Colorado, was unnerving. New to Washington and to college, I was overbearingly homesick and was struggling to adapt to the new elements of my life: empty dining halls, strangers. I began to question everything about myself and my situation, wondering if I was where I was supposed to be, if I was even capable of handling a change like this, and most of all, if anyone was on my side.
Photo: Picryl
Nothing felt in balance, the seasons were changing too fast, and I could feel my community and the communities around me growing antsy, anxious, and tired with the changing political climate. Walking around campus, feeling frozen in my hands and nerves, still a stranger to every other stranger, I was struggling to find any beauty or hope in the world around me.
Nature has always been a place I’ve been drawn to and felt a real connection with. Moving from a forest in Colorado to 1,000+ miles away in the center of a city was leaving me feeling shaken like the leaves that had now deserted their trees. I felt alone both communally and spiritually even. Between school and trying to be an active member in my community, I was burning out. Even though I had people around me, I still felt alone. I knew I had to find some way to reconnect to myself and my guides.
While I’ve never been devoted to any particular religion, I have always felt some spiritual connection and fascination with goddesses like Aphrodite and Artemis and received guidance from the strong women in my life. In my dorm, I have a home spirit, a small, hand-sculpted, clay figure of a woman who protects the space. She provides comfort and reminds me where I came from. She sits on my windowsill, surrounded by rocks and love notes and moments, arms always open and accepting. I also have a tarot deck of goddesses and a lunar calendar that holds countless pieces of artwork and poems written by women, for women. And my world’s greatest comfort and guide, my mother, has raised me with values of love, independence, strength, and gratitude.
Photo: GoodFon
I was searching for strength in a time of weakness, light in a time of darkness, and I knew I was being called to change my mindset and find myself once again. I was not fully sure who or what I was looking for, but somehow Aphrodite found me. As a goddess of love, beauty, protection, and creativity I felt particularly drawn to her.
I knew I couldn’t dive in immediately as I only had some general knowledge of Aphrodite as a goddess and guide. Having always been a lover of history, and specifically the history of religions, I began doing what I do best: research.
For hours, days, weeks, I spent time thinking about Aphrodite, her origins, her signs, and how both past and modern-day pagans have worked with her. I researched why people often look to her as a guide and resonated with the idea that she illuminates the love and beauty in the world all around us. In everything and in every person, in every cold spell, in every fallen leaf, she is there.
When I arrived in college, I began to lose myself trying to fit myself into a mold I expected other people would want of me. I joined way too many clubs and exhausted myself with events and meetings. I fell into old patterns of people-pleasing and devoting all my energy to helping others, saving no energy or time for myself. I stopped doing what I loved and withheld from indulging in things that made me happy. Instead of engaging in self-exploration and discovery like many people do in college, I was losing myself. So now in this new phase, in the name of Aphrodite, I began to experiment with my old loves.
It started off with a morning routine dedicated to her, later growing into daily morning poems or prayers that helped me ground myself and find peace. I began saying affirmations, giving myself little pep talks, voicing the things I wanted guidance in completing, and most importantly, always saying, “thank you for allowing me to see and love and light in all things within and around me.” Having these rituals forced me back into a routine that gave me purpose. Additionally, it created a dedicated time for the things I enjoyed: journaling, writing poems, playing my instruments – things that make me, me. I could feel myself coming back, finding purpose and drive.
Photo: Freerange Stock
I decided that every day, I would choose to find beauty in something I would not typically consider beautiful. A wet and muddied path? Thank you for letting me see reflections of the beautiful buildings in the puddles. A grey sky? Thank you for letting me see and loveliness of the autumn leaves so stark in contrast. A disagreement with someone? Thank you for letting me see the knowledge of diverse perspectives. When I sought beauty within the little things in life, my heart opened to gratitude. Having a goddess to honor guided me to channel my energy into the things and people I loved. The positivity and creativity that had been draining away was trickling back into my soul and overall life was beginning to feel more manageable.
Of course, taking a moment of gratitude each day has not made all my problems disappear and I acknowledge there are some things in the world that may lack any love or light entirely. As a community we need to stand together, look out for one another, and initiate change that will leave us with a better future. But when you are putting in endless effort to help your community, or comfort others in times of sorrow, or use your voice to fight for those who have been silenced, it is easy to burn out. Let moments of gratitude, reflection, and self-care become a daily ritual or routine. Take care of yourself today so you may come back stronger tomorrow.
When times get dark (metaphorically and literally when the sun goes down at 4:30 PM in the winter), try to find love and light in the world around you. Whether it is channeled through a deity of your choosing or just appreciated for what it is, take a moment of gratitude for the world around you. It may be a challenge at first to find beauty in a grey sky or hold patience for those getting on your nerves – this is a discipline I am still learning – but with time it gets easier. And on the hardest of days, allow yourself to find gratitude in all the hard work you have done for your community and all the hard work they have done for you. You are alive and you are present. Find love and light within and around yourself as you journey forward.
Header Photo: Pexels
